Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
