ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We named our party play list daddy issues
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
