WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Girls should come with a carfax report
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
