Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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