It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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