He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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