remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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