Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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