Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
