What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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