you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
