WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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