i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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