no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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