my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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