apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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