why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
