you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
