I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
