textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
