Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
