So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
