I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
