I wish I could punch you in the face.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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