oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had sex on a roof
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
