The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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