Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize