Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish my penis had a tongue
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
