I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
