who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she peed on how many people?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
