Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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