I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
