R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
