im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
