I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
