i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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