We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
