i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
