my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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