When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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