My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
