So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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