I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
