she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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