you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
