I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
