i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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