Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
