I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
