these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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