If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Be still, my beating vagina.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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