Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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