I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We're too hungover to prance.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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