You can't special order awesome
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
