i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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