Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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